Past relationships are still affecting you, says Mariella Frostrup, and you need professional support, as well as friends, to come to terms with your trauma, and counter negative thinking
The dilemma I’m 27 and have been in a relationship for 18 months. My boyfriend and I met four months after I left my abusive ex-partner, who I’d met after the death of my father. My boyfriend is kind, funny, has a zest for life, loves to include me and never shies away from talking about the future. He moved in six months ago. We went through a rough patch – I made life particularly difficult by avoiding spending time at home and picking fights. We are finally stable. However, I feel desperately sad and disconnected, even though I feel I ought to be relieved. I struggle to deal with my free time and though I see friends I feel restless in their company. Unless the flat is spotless, I can’t relax. In the back of my mind, a malicious voice is telling me that my boyfriend’s affection is tantamount to pity. I fear I’ll lose this lovely man to my demons. But I’m afraid that my trauma has led me to seek out a “Band-Aid relationship” that I cannot relate to. The thought of leaving fills me with dread, but I feel myself retreating further.
Mariella replies You need help, but probably not from me. Experiencing the trauma of abuse isn’t something you can simply “move on from”, especially when it occurs at such a vulnerable time following the loss of the primary male figure in your life. It’s an emotionally combustible combination and can prompt patterns of behaviour that you don’t want dictating the course of your future. You don’t mention having sought professional help, but I urge you to do so as an imperative and constructive way to avoid sinking further into depression and negative thinking. Your letter indicates that you are suffering from both – and that you don’t think you deserve the relationship you’re in, an entirely different question to whether or not it’s the right one for you!
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