Try not to feel hurt about where she finds support, just be prepared for when she needs you – and seek out counselling, advises Mariella Frostrup
The dilemma My daughter was raped in her late teens. During the trial the man was found not guilty, despite so much evidence pointing to the fact that he did it. She also had a brutal experience at the hands of the defence lawyer. Now I feel there’s a widening gap between us that’s got worse over the past months. We’ve always been very close, but she seems to be gravitating towards her stepfather. Since the trial ended, I feel she’s keeping me at arm’s length. I don’t know what to say to her, how to be around her or how to support her while managing my grief and rage. Because of the horrific nature of the trial, I’m consumed with shining a light on what happened to her and have been surfing the net for hours to see what I can do. I’m struggling to get through each day and wish she’d stay nearby so that, as a family, we can try to get through this. She just wants to go out and see her friends. I’m really struggling. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Mariella replies No wonder. I am so sorry to hear about your daughter’s experience – and your determination to shine a light on what she’s been through is both understandable and admirable. On the other hand, she may be trying to move from being a survivor to a “thriver”, and this is no time to be dictating how her recovery should best progress. Your daughter may not want the responsibility of her traumatised family at the moment and she may need a respite from managing her feelings. Her friends probably form a sort of liberation and even her stepfather may be detached enough to offer her escape, however briefly, from her trauma. That you are consumed by grief and rage only pinpoints how terrible this ordeal has been for your daughter.
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