You clearly want more from the partnership than your boyfriend is prepared to offer, says Mariella Frostrup. The painful truth is he’s not available to you in the way you want
The dilemma I am in a sexually open relationship with my partner of six months. This has always worked in the past, and we have always communicated openly and honestly with each other. Recently, however, he expressed to me that he wants me to see other people romantically, not just sexually, instead of seeing just him as my “primary” partner, because he is scared to commit. I know that he has low self-esteem and often experiences feelings of inadequacy. He fears that he will be replaced, but he also fears commitment, because of the promises and expectations it holds and because he is scared that he will disappoint me or fail me. We have tried monogamy in the past and it is not something we want to try again, but I fear that he is using polyamory as a way to hide his insecurities rather than addressing them head-on, and using a lot of flimsy excuses to shield himself from the truth. I know that he loves me, but he is also terrified. What do I do to support him and get over this fear?
Mariella replies Basically he’s human! You list all of your boyfriend’s emotional foibles quite extensively, but perhaps he’s not the only one using “flimsy excuses” to shield himself from what’s in front of his nose. There are often good reasons posited for dysfunctional lovers, but sometimes it’s a less complicated scenario than we try to paint it. I’m not taking a position on “polyamory”. Plenty of people swear that consensually putting sexual trysts beyond your “primary” relationship on the menu keeps passion alive. Clearly you rank among them and you say it’s worked up until now. Then again, it’s hardly a long-term relationship. I’m not being judgmental, but I’m betting you’re quite young. Describing the machinations of a six-month relationship as “the past” and using words like “always” to refer to that short period when judging the relative success of your open sexual arrangement otherwise seems fairly self-deluding.
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