You don’t need to define your sexuality, Mariella Frostrup tells a confused man, but you do need to stop second-guessing your lover’s motives and start working out what you want
The dilemma I am a 30-year-old man and I had, until last year, identified as a straight man. One night, after an office dinner party, I went to my colleague’s flat. We were good mates then, but nothing more. We are both architects and I went to see some of his latest work. He offered me a drink and we ended up getting drunk. He is slightly older and also identifies as heterosexual. (He is really good looking but, mysteriously, has been single for many years.) We drank too much and kissed. We were embarrassed, but for the past year we have regularly met and kissed, but he doesn’t go beyond a certain point physically. I know I love him dearly. He loves me, too, he says, but as a brother/best friend, not as a partner. Recently, he has stopped kissing me on the lips, but we sleep in the same bed and cuddle. I am confused. Is he straight, is he gay/bisexual and, more importantly, should I have any hope of finding romantic love with him? It’s frustrating and confusing. I don’t want to beg him to do more if he doesn’t feel comfortable and at the same time it would hurt to walk away from this man (and hurt my career if I left my job).
Mariella replies What a conundrum. Whether you two are gay or straight, bi or just having fun, you should probably stop kissing for long enough to have a conversation about what’s happening between you. I don’t often look to Meat Loaf for inspiration, but “you took the words right out of my mouth, it must have been while you were kissing me,” strikes a chord here. You really need to talk!
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