I want to be with her more than anything in the world, but I worry that the pain of her difficult past is too much for me
I have been in a perfect relationship for five months with a girl whom I love more than anything in the world. I met her at my friend’s work and asked him to introduce me to her. Instead of doing so, he told her false things about me just to have a chance with her. They were together for almost three months. He was her first boyfriend and she lost her virginity with him. After they broke up, we finally met and became a couple. The thing is, she told me my former friend has a huge penis and I can’t get over it. Also, she has had a difficult past. At six, she was raped by her babysitter. I was the first person she told. I keep seeing her in my head having sex with other guys and being raped. I can’t live with this any more. It is as though her sexual past is too much for me and I put the weight of the pain on my shoulders.
It is not only the victim of sexual assault who can suffer trauma; it is also possible to be traumatised by hearing about the events and experiencing empathy and horror. This secondhand trauma may have occurred for you, so you both need to seek face-to-face healing and as much support as you can find. It is also important to understand that suffering early abuse often affects a victim’s later relationships. Your girlfriend is probably highly conflicted in her adult relationships and it is not surprising that she is finding ways to push you away. For example, the big penis story may or may not be true, but the telling was designed to hurt you – not consciously, but rather emanating from her unconscious pain and trauma. Try not to take this too personally. I know that is not easy, but she is struggling to come to terms with being in an adult sexual relationship because of her past. This situation – which you are understandably finding intolerable – will not get better by itself. It takes time and courage to heal, and you both deserve resolution.
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