Mariella Frostrup identifies with a man who grew up amid the sectarian violence of Northern Ireland and says his failure to act when he was a teenager would be a common scenario
The dilemma I was born in Belfast in 1965. I fell in love with a girl in 1983 and at the time she fell in love with me. To cut to the chase, she told me that her brother had sexually abused her and her two sisters. However, the abuser was heavily involved in a terrorist organisation. You can have no idea what it was like then. The threat of death was constant. I knew and she knew that if I reported the abuse to the police then I would have been killed. We were kids and we split up after a few years. But the abuse still bothers me. I’m now 52 years old. I’m not looking for a solution, I just think it’s time to either recognise my failings or do something – although I don’t know if that’s the answer.
Mariella replies You were 18! I don’t think we can with good conscience or any credibility add your handling of that incredibly complex situation to a list of your failings. One of the many benefits of accruing years is the ability it allows for hindsight and the compulsion that comes with it to examine and understand events that may have gone less scrutinised at the time. There’s certainly wisdom to be gained from understanding our motives and those of others. Excavating and analysing our actions is a worthwhile pursuit and teaches us new ways to approach old issues, but in this instance you really mustn’t attempt to shoulder the blame.
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