I have a happy family, but can’t stop thinking about my first love

You’ve mired yourself in a fairytale of nostalgia and yearning, says Mariella Frostrup. It’s time to get real…

The dilemma I’m a married man in my mid-40s with two deeply loved children. Nine months ago I found and reread some old letters from my first love. I cried my eyes out and ever since she’s been in my thoughts day and night. For 15 years I have buried my feelings for her, yet the release valve has been opened and I am unable to shut it off.

At the time she was married to a cheating husband who had supported her through some horrific experiences when she was younger – and I was emotionally insecure and unstable. Yet we came together and my relationship with her remains the most beautiful and profound experience of my life. It ended because we both gave in to fear – mine of attachment and hers of letting go of the security of a (broken) marriage. We have had no contact since.

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