Get a mediator involved, says Mariella Frostrup. There is clearly a huge difference between your understanding of your relationship and your wife’s
The dilemma My wife recently left her iPad on our bed. When I picked it up to move it I saw a message on the screen saying that she is arranging a solicitor to help her divorce me. This was a shock in itself, but when I saw the reasons why I was devastated. She is claiming she is the victim of mental and emotional abuse – which is news to me. No one in my household has been getting on terribly well over lockdown – including our kids – but I put this down to the close proximity everyone found themselves in. As far as I know, me and my wife have got on well and talk to each other when we’re upset. We have had ups and downs – I suffered from severe depression at the turn of the year as I was drowning in debt – but we appeared to be over the bump. Sex has been infrequent, but still happened relatively regularly. I can somewhat get my head around her wanting to be happy elsewhere, but I can’t stand the thought of being called an abuser. I’m scared as I find people automatically believe the testimony of a lady in these matters. I really don’t know what to do or where to turn.
Mariella replies A mediator? It’s obvious that there is a major chasm between your understanding of your relationship and your wife’s. I can’t make a judgment on who is right and who is wrong, and the accusations she makes are serious but, in light of your apparent bemusement, it makes it all the more essential that you two have a civilised conversation about what is going on. That’s where mediation is imperative – Relate (0300 0030396; relate.org.uk) would be a good place to start.
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