Since I found out my girlfriend’s ex was a pro footballer I’ve felt less attracted to her

I trust her completely, but find myself thinking about her former lover nearly every day – and it’s getting in the way of my sexual desire

I have trouble desiring sex with my girlfriend of two years. Shortly before we got together, she was having casual sex with a professional footballer. I did not know this until we had been together for about three months. By this time I had strong feelings for her. I trust her completely, but find myself thinking about it nearly every day and not feeling good enough or sexually attracted to her, despite her being very sexy. Often we will have a week or so of great sex – then there is a reminder of him on TV, and I feel shut off again. I know I should talk to her about it but I feel so embarrassed and it’s unreasonable to make her feel guilty.

Consider the circumstances in which you discovered this footballer connection. Did she “let it slip”? Tell you in spite during an argument? Or did you discover it from another source? If it was either of the former, that might suggest this spectre that interferes with your sense of safety within your relationship has been consciously or unconsciously conjured up by your girlfriend to maintain power or torture you. I’m not saying it’s untrue, but rather that it’s interesting she told you, since such a revelation would make any man uncomfortable and anxious. Perhaps she feels deeply insecure and needed to bolster herself in this way. Whatever her motivation – or even if you discovered this independently – it would be worth saying to her: “I am really struggling with some feelings regarding your ex. It’s hard for me to banish the discomfort I feel when I am reminded that you were intimate with him, and it’s affecting my connection with you …” thereby getting it out in the open and giving her the opportunity to reassure you. But it is important for you to remember that casual sex with a famous person can be a disappointing and hollow experience. While it might have engendered temporary excitement, in your girlfriend’s case it clearly did not lead to the kind of close relationship she has found with you. Beyond one air-clearing conversation, do not allow his memory to pervade your thoughts and invade your lives. She has chosen you.

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